I have a really big confession to make and I don't know how its going to come across. I have done something bad and I have no way out but to face the truth. In a nutshell, I grew up kind of confused. From as young as I can remember I've known that something bad happened to me (sexually). I basically thought it was my fault and that there was something wrong with me. What else could I think? There had to be some reason why my life was so difficult. So when I was small obviously I struggled carrying this ‘problem'. I figured that as long as my family didn't find out I would be OK. So I set about what was to become a lifelong task - pretending to be something I wasn't. It really got me down at times but bizzarely I thought it was my ‘job'to carry this problem. My mother came from an abusive family so I basically just took on all her pain and carried it like it was my fault. I got quite frustrated about this at times - I really just want (and still do) to lead a normal life - desperately. Anyway so I had to hide this problem (My mum's abuse and my own) andit was really hard.I got so frustrated sometimes. Anyway I was able to muddle along OK - something inside me knew that life could be OK - a small glimmer of hope. Anyway, things turned up side down for me when I met and got involved with an abusive man. Can you imagine getting involved with someone you knew fully well was abusive? I knew he was that way - thats what makes my behaviour so perverse. I just pretended otherwise. Which was really difficult to do. I was having panic attacks when we first got involved - they got worse but I just ignored them. Totally ignored my feelings. I had a breakdown after about 2 years of knowing him - I think my mind just couldn't cope anymore. Anyway I still haven't actively done anything about this situation. What people who haven't been abused don't understand is that when you've been abused your sexuality and whole concept of sex is associated with bad stuff. Therapists call it traumatised sexuality. Thats what makes you different. So here I am a person with this problem now involved with someone who was definitely abusive. I have had a really raw deal - I've had to carry the whole secret myserlf I am surprised /i am not dead. The pain now is awful - I have so much pressure on my chest I keep thinking I'm going to have a heart attack. I can't carry on like this. Confess ID: dmtx2ulm        Posted On: 26-Nov-2008