I've spent the past two years trying to find myself, or find out who I want(ed?) to be. I thought that the right thing to do would be to try as hard as I could to make people happy. Reasonable, right? To me, the best way to fulfill that objective seemed to be through observing people. but as I watched people, and watched how they interacted (and why, mostly), I began to hate them. So by trying to be someone who was good for other people, I ended up hating the people I wanted to help. What then? I'm a young person, in my teens; I don't know what it is to care about someone, I don't know what it takes to love someone, or if it's even a possibility. I do know lust: I recognize it, and it has taken over my thoughts in the past. though I'll proudly state I've never taken any action. However, this lust has caused me to see past the dislike I had for the disgusting people all around me, and how they treated one another. I guess "see through" makes more sense; see "through" the disgust, not past it, it was still there. But I formed an artificial bond with a girl I thought I liked, while really it seems [now] to have just been lust. At the same time, I began hanging out more and more with a certain friend. She had told me upon meeting me, essentially, that dating me was rediculous to her, but we nontheless became closer friends as time passed; one day, she asked me if our relationship was entirely platonic, and the mere idea took my perception of the world by storm. I began keeping a diary in the middle of this experience, a few months ago. I wrote in it, a few weeks ago, that I didn't think I could ever love this friend; my basis was that she wasn't physically beautiful to me, for some reason. The day after I wrote that, I kissed this friend of mine. I forgot that I wrote it, and our relationship progressed, and I began to see the beauty in who she is, physical beauty notwithstanding, though it is (and always had been) stunning. I began to denounce the girl whom I previously had feelings for, particularly because at that point I was in this relationship, and felt that cutting old ties would be the right thing to do. I read over my diary last night, and found the paragraph wherein I concluded that I would "never be able to love her, but we'll see how the relationship goes anyway." I took a small pair of scissors to the paper, poked a hole; removed the paragraph. The scraps are still on my floor. And now I'm sitting here wondering whether the predictive statement, now removed, is a sentiment I still hold somewhere in the back of my mind. I've told this friend, now more than, several times that she is beautiful, and my present perception tells me it's true. But I wonder if this is a cover. I wonder if I still think everyone around me is as disgusting as I used to, or, for that matter, if I even thought that before. I'm not sure if I just used to translate my loneliness into hatred/disgust, or if I'm now finding that my present lack of loneliness is not as satisfactory as I've been told (by mainstream media, love stories, etc.) it is supposed to be. And then I begin wondering how someone weighs or calculates how satisfied they are by something in life. My confession is compound: I don't know how to show love or caring; I removed my own thoughts from writing because I'm scared they might still be part of me, scared of letting them be; I don't know whether or not what I think is a satisfying relationship really is. And finally, I confess that I don't really know who I am, or who I want to be. Confess ID: ruvhkcmz        Posted On: 18-Aug-2008