I am a 45ish man who has been - mostly- loyal to his wife for over 20 years. I never thought about being with another woman (in terms of reality- I am a guy and have had fantasies of course), and actually turned down many opportunities with several attractive women over the years. I met a women several years ago while I was briefly in a mentor role for her- she was in a residency. She was somewhat younger, but I have had young women around me who have had their share of crushes on me over the years and it never affected me. I also did not take notice of her at the time. Anyway, several months after my supervisory role ended we encountered each other and we started working on a minor project together, which was just enough contact for us to fall in love. I think it may have been since my guard was down at the time since she was no longer under my supervision, and she was a temporary co-worker at most who was about to leave the state. Who knows. We were very well suited for each other- same sense of humor, same love of music, same sexuality (both of us kinky, turned on by mild BDSM stuff)- and for the first time in many years I did not feel lonely. That is probably the key element- for some reason I felt and feel lonely, but for some reason being with her or talking to her made me feel like I was not alone. My wife is an OK person, we just grew apart and I was just a husband father widget at that time-I guess I still am. Anyway, I had a brief but intense love affair for several months, and then a couple years of phone and internet connection with the person- she moved on geographically and on in her life- as she needed to. She did nothing wrong and gave me more chances than she probably should have. I still encounter her at national meetings from time to time, which is both awkward and pure agony. Bottom line, I could not hurt my wife and my kids and would not leave them for her. So I didn't. But I miss her every day. I tried over and over to get the same type of connection with my wife, but it has just proved impossible. I tried counselling to help me get over my lost love and improve my relationship with my wife. I tried antidepresants when I got clinically depressed for awhile. I am functional now, and have done well enough professionally and am a good Father and I think a pretty decent husband. But I just feel empty inside now, as I have since I first knew I loved her and had to let her go for her own good, for the sake of my children, and for my wife. I have not been tempted at all to have another affair since either. I just fell in love with this young woman, and have never been able to get over her despite it being impractical then and ludicrous now. I see all the folks in this world with really serious problems, like grave illness and povety and sick kids and the like and feel realy stupid for feeling bad at all. I know I have a pretty decent life, better than most, and have no right to bitch. But I still love her, my mk, and I will forever and there is not a day I do not feel hollow and hurt inside and crave for her. It makes no sense, I know it. And I figure I am pretty much nuts. It has been seven years now, and I still hurt inside like it was yesterday. I pray I will get over her someday, but I think I am going to carry this to my grave. I know it is nuts, I go on the best I can and try to ignore the hole inside me. I am not sure I will ever be happy again, but I will try to at least act that way for the sake of those around me. I have come to grips with the insanity of my feelings and that the decision is done and probably was the right one for all concerned. And I have some good days now and then- but when I get time to think, or I am tired and a little sad, I think I would cut off body parts just to see her smile and hear her laugh again for fifteen minutes. You can call me the hollow man. And you don't have to say it, I know this is some kind of nuts. Confess ID: f513rjdi        Posted On: 29-Oct-2008