Confess ID : revgavoh
Yes, I DO confess.
I have a secret wish:
I often dream of dying,
To dissolve completely,
To simply vanish, so that nothing,
Not a single grain, would ever remain of me.
No spark, no energy, no further existence for me,
But most of all: NO REBIRTH!!!
Alas, if I had this chance, this possibility,
How free from worries could I be,
If I only had this ONE guarantee.
That there would be NO MORE tomorrows lying in wait for me.
Confess ID : en0ymir5
Ive been in a relationship for about a month and a half now, and everything was going great. I never thought id connect with someone so much in my life. She is also my first girlfriend, so im learning as i go along. The problem is now that she seems more distant. Her ex-boyfriend broke her heart, and then she found me. We are so open and I asked her if i was a rebound and she swore to me i wasn't, and i do truely feel im not. The problem is that her ex has come crawling back. She told him that she would never go back with him, which reassures me, but I think that now that he is back that she is feeling very vulnerable now. This could explain the distance i feel, but for some reason I cant shake this feeling that there is more. Im trying to be nice b/c she is trying to be the bigger person and reinstate a friendship that they had for a long time, but part of me just wants to tell her to get rid of him. I mean I feel like he is souring the relationship I have right now with my girlfriend. Im not feeling the emotional connection we had before, and I know im not feeling it b/c i was amazed and completely content with what we had before. I do see hope though b/c she still is there and doing things for me, but emotionally I think she is scared yet again. I am going to stay in this, and give it my all, b/c i gave her a commitment and my heart, as did she. My heart believes everything will be ok, yet my brain keeps throwing all of these troubling feelings into my life. Im stressed with school, but now my mind seems to be constantly worrying till i catch a little gleam of hope. I give her all of my heart, I care deeply for her, and she is always in my mind now and before. Now it just seems to be constant worry that im going to lose her b/c of her ex. Im not worried that im going to lose her to her ex, but im more worried that he is souring my relationship. I mean she is now needing some time without "guys" and needing some time with the girls which I understand. Im just a guy and as much as she will open up to me I can never reach the level of openness she has with her girlfriends. I just wich she would let me know what was going on in her head. She tells me that she is just a mess, and I can tell, b/c otherwise I wouldnt worry. I guess im worrying that she may still feel some feelings for him, and is torn between me and her ex b/c they were together for 2 yrs and he broke her heart, while I on the other hand have been with her for a month an a half and have been nothing but a supportive guy. It makes me feel happy to hear her say that she "never thought there would be a guy out there you" or the fact that I somehow understand everything that goes on in her life, even if I in no way have ever experienced it. I want to tell her how I feel yet I am so worried that she will worry about me and then maybe I will sour something that was completely fine. I am such a wimp when it comes to building up the confidence to make a move or ask something important. I just do not want to lose her. She has been the greatest thing that has happened to me. She brought me out of a severe depression I was going into b/c I had given up on myself. The best way I could describe myself would be as the nice guy, and as we all know the nice guy finishes last. Well seeing that im a nice guy i wasnt looking for a quick hook up or to take advantage of some girl. I was looking for a relationship and that is what I got. I wanted someone I could give my heart to, and to share my feelings with and to talk to, and to look forward to talking to or see during the day. I have got all of my wishes granted, and she was the one who found me. She is the one who wanted me above everyone else, so why should I worry. I have given her no reason to leave me and she has given me no reason to leave her, not to say that I have even thought of leaving her. I am going to talk to her and ask her, but i am not going to worry. I dont even need to, I just feel that I have a right to let her know how I feel about her. Writing all of this out has really made me feel better and the fact that people will know how im feeling makes me glad. Thankyou.
